JOKES
A guy walks into a brothel, dying for a screw but with only �5 to his
name. Amused by his cheek, the woman at reception explains that the only
thing he's going to screw for a fiver is one of the chickens in the yard.
Initially horrified the bloke realises he isn't going to get a better offer
and takes one of the chickens into a back room.
A week later the guy walks into the brothel with a �10 The woman
explains that he still not got enough for a screw but there is a live show
which has just started. He pays and goes in. When the curtains close he
leans forward to the guy infront of him "that was bloody excellent". The
guy turns round, "You should have been in here last week there was a
guy screwing a chicken".
Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word
"Pants" for key words:
We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or
down.
The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it
counts.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest
we use it.
Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment
down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought
on board.
You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
Luke. . . Help me remove these pants.
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the
presence of my old master.
Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into pants a lot more
heavily guarded than this.
Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong.Especially one. . . Your sister!
Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the
first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
Short pants is better than no pants at all.
Now you shall pay for your lack of pants!
20 REASONS WHY GIRLS THINK CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
3. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
4. You can safely have chocolate when you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want.
6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7. If you bit the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate together without being
called nasty names.
9. The word commitment doesn't scare chocolate off.
10. You can have chocolate on your desk during working hours without
upsetting your workmates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth from chocolate.
13. With chocolate there is no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't produce little chocolate 9 months later.
15. You can have chocolate any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. One chocolate doesn't get nasty if it sees you having another
chocolate.
18. You are never too young or too old to have chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it doesn't keep the neighbours awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter, it's always good.
TYPE OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MENS TOILETS
EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts
SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not
CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed
TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back
later
INDIFFERENT : If all urinals being used, pisses in sink
CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor
WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection
FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit a fly or
bug
ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants
CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble
TOUGH : Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it
PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry,
reads with other hand
EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both
DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants
DISGRUNTLED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away
CONCEITED : Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat
DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants
SNEAK ; Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next
stall will get blamed
5 reasons it's a bummer to be an egg...
1. Only get laid once.
2. Only get eaten once.
3. Take 7 minutes to get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5. The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks
down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints !!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him
to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy
"What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds,
20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is
Turner Brown"
The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn
around".
A blonde girl walks into the beauty salon wearing a walkman and asks
for a hair cut.
"Ok, honey," the beautician says, "but you'll have to take off those
headphones."
"I can't," the blonde replies with a shrug.
"Look, sister," the beautician says, "I can't do my job if you're
still wearing those headphones on your head. So just take them off,
and we'll get right to it."
The blonde looks concerned for a moment, but then says, "I can't take
them off. My boyfriend says that if I do, I'll die!"
The beautician will have none of it, and simply tells the blonde
she's being silly. "Listen, just take off the headphones, and I'll make
you look all nice and pretty."
Somewhat more nervously the blonde reapeats, "I can't take them off.
My boyfriend says I'd DIE if I do."
"Honey," the beautician says, "I don't know what lines your boyfriend
has been feeding you, but I'm getting tired of hearing them come out of
your mouth. Now, I'm going to go get the sink ready to wash your hair,
and when I come back, you better have that contraption off your head,
or youmight as well just forget the whole thing."
With that, the beautician goes to the next room and begins to prepare
to give the blonde a shampoo.
When the beautician returns to the blonde, she is laying on the
floor, still. The beautician is shocked. She rushes to the girl on the
floor, only to discover that she is already dead.
On the floor next to the dead blonde are the headphones she would not
give up.
The beautician lifts them up to her ear to hear: "breathe in, breathe
out... breathe in, breath out...."
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